Remember

There will always be a good memory, as a guiding light in times of dark days.

I remember the smell, the noise, and the sights.  I remember it all like it happened yesterday, the sweet smell of foods that is everywhere. The music and the children laughter. The sight of the lights blinking like a start on the ground. Everybody are merry,
everyone are happy. Families eating out together, friends making music together with the children’s joyous laughter to cheer each passing person.It’s almost perfect, like a planned event that everybody are invited and enjoying them.

As I looked around it looks like it’s going to happen again like every other year and everyone is excited. Unlike them, I am just a watcher, an observer and it was like there’s a written agreement that people like me cannot join them. I can’t go to their event and if I do join in will mean that I am a gate crasher and will be harshly thrown out.

The truth is I am not like them, physically yes I am a human being but they look at me differently. I can see their faces so many questions and sadly others are avoiding me. The truth is I don’t know  what’s wrong with me because all I want is to be invited
to their party. I want to be part of something, I want to be surrounded with people that enjoys being in my company. I wanted to laugh and sing together with them. I wanted to eat in a long table engaged in humorous conversation and to hear stories from the sweet innocent child.

Sadly, I can’t like I said people like me is uninvited  to this kind of event.

Still I can remember when once upon a time I was invited to an event but it was more of a dream rather than a memory. It’s all blurry and so far away like it wasn’t mine and again I became an observer. as my companion, there are voices inside my head only I can hear; they too are an outcast. I like listening to these voices
they tell me stories of a long ago about a certain family.

The family that is peaceful, caring and lovable but sadly something terrible happened. On the night when everyone is enjoying one man cries in losing his family but he was not alone, he had his guardian angel. Still that one man felt alone and scared, that’s where he started hearing those familiar voices in his head.He left his guardian angel and went to the soothing tone of the voices. when he left he became an outcast.

Listening to that kind of story from my head made me cry and feel all alone again even with all the stories they tell me. Stories about the good and happy times. Stories about love and hope. Stories about music and dancing together with a family.

While watching the people pass me by, I try not to think about the
looks they throw at me.

I heard a voice so small and pure,
“Hey, Mister are you ok?”
It sounds so real, not like the voices in my head.
“Hey! Mister! are you ok? why are you crying?”
I looked down and focus my vision there’s a small little
girl looking up at me with curious and caring eyes.
She tilted her head, waiting for my answer.

I smiled, it’s been a long time since the last time I
smiled. And I answered her question, “because I just heard
a sad story.”

Another voice I heard from a distance, I thought it was from my head because it sounds so familiar.
“Daddy! Daddy!”
I looked and she came closer, my guardian angel from my  vision.

“Is he your daddy? he’s been crying” the little girl asked.
“Yes, he is my daddy. thank you for watching him.”
My guardian angel said.

Still I felt like an outsider. It feels like she isn’t talking about me. Like she was talking about another person.

My angel handed her a bar of chocolate, and she skip away singing a carol song.

“Dad, come on let’s go celebrate they are waiting.”
She help me up and put her arm around me.

I am speechless, this feeling is so familiar. I want to believe that this is real not just another dream. That she is real and not just another voices from my head.

“Dad, do you remember that every December we always
watch a musical show with Mom and Den?”

“Dad do you remember when Den…..”

“Like how you and mom used to…..”

I closed my eyes, to remember and this time, it’s so clear.
No longer a dream but a memory, I was part of it. I am
part of that event. Tears start to fall from my eyes.
I remember it all my family, the car accident and Grace
my little girl the only who can bring me back.

“Yes,” I replied and put my arm around her. I smiled a real
smile because I remember it all, the good memories.